I'm back in a bad spot again. It's been coming. I knew I was back in a rut awhile before the end of the semester came. There wasn't one turning point - is there ever? - it's more a feeling now that I've definitely began noticing it again. With the semester winding down, there was a huge amount of tension for me. Being on Academic Probation after last semester was just another struggle to overcome. Needless to say, the whole depressed/suicidal thing doesn't look good on me. I almost lost a lot. I almost totally screwed up my life instead of just partially. So now is the time to get back on track. Well I dont think it's going as it should.
My grades were better this semester thus allowing me to stay, I think, haven't heard differently. But I just don't feel like myself....again. It's not like a zombie or out of body or nothing. It's more like I'm off. I'm a lot more introspective, hoarding my feelings and thoughts again, sad, lonely, negative. I'm aware of the change, which is good. I obviously don't like it, which is also good for making a change. Yet, I don't know how to change it.
I'm frustrated
with people
with life
with myself
I'm annoyed
with people
with life
with myself
I'm unhappy
with life
with myself
I'm scared
of myself
The future is scary. The unknown is terrifying. My ability to harm the people in my life, myself, and my life in entirety is.....beyond words I'm capable of knowing.
It is good that you realize and see the change in yourself. You don't HAVE to know how to change it, just like an addict the first step to healing is admitting that there is a problem, and willing to work on it. Being scared of yourself, annoyed, frustrated, and unhappy with yourself is quite normal, at least you realize it, and are willing to work on it, you can DO IT, I believe in you.
ReplyDelete*smooch* I love you so much, hope you know that. Thanks for your unconditional support, I really appreciate it <3
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