Indifferent

I guess today could be described as feeling indifferent. I have had some serious ups AND downs.

But you know what? As long as I didn't cause harm to myself or anyone else....I think that's okay to have happen. Would I rather be happy more? Hell yes. But I'm not. I'm working on it and that counts for something.

One of my goals in 2012 is to be honest with myself and more patient with others. It will not be easy for me, but a wise woman that I have the deepest and uttermost respect for was just reiterating to me tonight that nothing in life is easy. Life itself is not easy. Do you ever wish there was an 'Easy' Button? You know what I'm takling about....big red button with 'EASY' written across it lol. Well we don't get one of those buttons so what are we left with? We need to just give it our all and when life knocks us down, pick yourself back up and try again.

This is so easy for me to tell myself right now, so why can't I actually follow through? Why do I always beat myself up about the smallest things? Why can't I just live my life knowing that when I try, it is sometimes the best I've got? Why do I always have to compare myself to others and thus put myself down? Gotta work on that.....

I just read something the other day about positive thinking and the effect it really can have on you, etc and so forth. They advised for you to NEVER say anything to YOURSELF that you wouldn't tell someone else. For example, would you ever tell your friend 'you're fat' or 'you're ugly' or worse? Chances are unless you're blatantly a mean person, you wouldn't. What's your reasoning? You love them, most likely. Don't you love yourself? Everytime you put yourself down, you are hurting yourself. With every put down and negativity, you are saying 'I don't love you'. Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. I know that this idea has been in my head before but I've never really....I mean really and truly thought about it, at least not like that. It kinda put it into perspective for me.

Positive: I wore a new sweater and necklace that I got for Christmas today and I thought I looked fabulous in my outfit : )

Like I said.....I'm trying this. That's the best I can do for now.

Love to anyone who stumbles upon this post,

Girl on a (Slightly Different) Mission

Bad Spot

I know I haven't posted on here in forever, but I'm thinking it might be a good idea to get back to it. Kind of a journal type thing. A couple of my other friends do this and I guess they've been inspiration for me.

I'm back in a bad spot again. It's been coming. I knew I was back in a rut awhile before the end of the semester came. There wasn't one turning point - is there ever? - it's more a feeling now that I've definitely began noticing it again. With the semester winding down, there was a huge amount of tension for me. Being on Academic Probation after last semester was just another struggle to overcome. Needless to say, the whole depressed/suicidal thing doesn't look good on me. I almost lost a lot. I almost totally screwed up my life instead of just partially. So now is the time to get back on track. Well I dont think it's going as it should.

My grades were better this semester thus allowing me to stay, I think, haven't heard differently. But I just don't feel like myself....again. It's not like a zombie or out of body or nothing. It's more like I'm off. I'm a lot more introspective, hoarding my feelings and thoughts again, sad, lonely, negative. I'm aware of the change, which is good. I obviously don't like it, which is also good for making a change. Yet, I don't know how to change it.

I'm frustrated

with people

with life

with myself

I'm annoyed

with people

with life

with myself

I'm unhappy

with life

with myself

I'm scared

of myself

The future is scary. The unknown is terrifying. My ability to harm the people in my life, myself, and my life in entirety is.....beyond words I'm capable of knowing.