Angry, Very Angry

I've been angry for a while now. Very, very angry right in the pit of my stomach. It sits there everyday, waiting for me to mull over it again and again and time again.

What's worse is that I'm not only angry, but I'm mad at God. That's definitely where all of this is aimed at. As much as I hate that, I can't just let it go. I have tried to pray hard on it and read my Bible faithfully, etc. However, it's not going away. And that makes me mad at myself, but I don't understand. I am confused, I am frustrated, I am so upset.

Why couldn't I have been one of those people whose life just magically worked out? Because that certainly doesn't happen for me....ever. Now my future is completely screwed up and it's unforgivable in my opinion. Completely unforgivable. Worst part is.....there was nothing I could do to prevent it. It was completely out of my control and now where am I? In a bad place.

Indifferent

I guess today could be described as feeling indifferent. I have had some serious ups AND downs.

But you know what? As long as I didn't cause harm to myself or anyone else....I think that's okay to have happen. Would I rather be happy more? Hell yes. But I'm not. I'm working on it and that counts for something.

One of my goals in 2012 is to be honest with myself and more patient with others. It will not be easy for me, but a wise woman that I have the deepest and uttermost respect for was just reiterating to me tonight that nothing in life is easy. Life itself is not easy. Do you ever wish there was an 'Easy' Button? You know what I'm takling about....big red button with 'EASY' written across it lol. Well we don't get one of those buttons so what are we left with? We need to just give it our all and when life knocks us down, pick yourself back up and try again.

This is so easy for me to tell myself right now, so why can't I actually follow through? Why do I always beat myself up about the smallest things? Why can't I just live my life knowing that when I try, it is sometimes the best I've got? Why do I always have to compare myself to others and thus put myself down? Gotta work on that.....

I just read something the other day about positive thinking and the effect it really can have on you, etc and so forth. They advised for you to NEVER say anything to YOURSELF that you wouldn't tell someone else. For example, would you ever tell your friend 'you're fat' or 'you're ugly' or worse? Chances are unless you're blatantly a mean person, you wouldn't. What's your reasoning? You love them, most likely. Don't you love yourself? Everytime you put yourself down, you are hurting yourself. With every put down and negativity, you are saying 'I don't love you'. Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. I know that this idea has been in my head before but I've never really....I mean really and truly thought about it, at least not like that. It kinda put it into perspective for me.

Positive: I wore a new sweater and necklace that I got for Christmas today and I thought I looked fabulous in my outfit : )

Like I said.....I'm trying this. That's the best I can do for now.

Love to anyone who stumbles upon this post,

Girl on a (Slightly Different) Mission

Bad Spot

I know I haven't posted on here in forever, but I'm thinking it might be a good idea to get back to it. Kind of a journal type thing. A couple of my other friends do this and I guess they've been inspiration for me.

I'm back in a bad spot again. It's been coming. I knew I was back in a rut awhile before the end of the semester came. There wasn't one turning point - is there ever? - it's more a feeling now that I've definitely began noticing it again. With the semester winding down, there was a huge amount of tension for me. Being on Academic Probation after last semester was just another struggle to overcome. Needless to say, the whole depressed/suicidal thing doesn't look good on me. I almost lost a lot. I almost totally screwed up my life instead of just partially. So now is the time to get back on track. Well I dont think it's going as it should.

My grades were better this semester thus allowing me to stay, I think, haven't heard differently. But I just don't feel like myself....again. It's not like a zombie or out of body or nothing. It's more like I'm off. I'm a lot more introspective, hoarding my feelings and thoughts again, sad, lonely, negative. I'm aware of the change, which is good. I obviously don't like it, which is also good for making a change. Yet, I don't know how to change it.

I'm frustrated

with people

with life

with myself

I'm annoyed

with people

with life

with myself

I'm unhappy

with life

with myself

I'm scared

of myself

The future is scary. The unknown is terrifying. My ability to harm the people in my life, myself, and my life in entirety is.....beyond words I'm capable of knowing.

For one of my little sisters and very best friends : )

Okay, it's been a LONG time. I know it has, I'm very sorry. I don't really know who I'm apologizing too, but I feel the need to do so anyway. I was bad and have been neglecting both my blogs but especially this one lol....

Anyway, this is an extremely special post to me. This post is dedicated to and specifically for a very special girl. I met this girl through blogging and am so thankful I did. I don't remember how I stumbled across her blog, but on that fateful day she was talking about chinchillas! LOL! Still makes me smile thinking about it : ) I decided to leave a comment for some reason and sign up to be a follower. After talking with Ash, I knew I had found a friend who I'd forevermore be friends with.

I remember the first time I saw her picture on Julie Lessman's newsletter I think it was lol. She's Julie's girl : ) And man, I thought she was the cutest thing! Braces and all, grinning away next to Julie's book. She looked like someone you wanted to be friends with. Her smile is infectious.

After some time we decided to become friends everywhere else LOL! So we're friends on Goodreads and Facebook I can think of at the moment. Everytime I get to talk to her, it brightens my day a little more.

She's having a hard time right now and that hurts me so bad, to see my girl hurting :( So I wanted to say a few things and this is the easiest way for me to do it.

Outside Looking In - Jordan Pruitt (I can't get YouTube videos to embed so bear with me! Go check them out please : )

Sometimes it can be scary, you feel like you're the odd one out. You're the only one that feels the way you feel. You're lost, kind of walking in a fog. You feel lonely and forgotten, like no one cares anymore. Trust me, I've been there. I DO understand what you're going through and no one should have to do it alone. You have a huge support system. I know so many people (and NO I'm not just saying this, hun) that care about you. They're praying hard and want the best for you, whatever that may be. You're terribly loved and we'd miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much if something happened to you.



All By Myself - Celine Dion

Okay, a little depressing...?? Yes. But it's Celine Dion and she's fabulous and even though it's sad, it is a good song lol. And sometimes, like I said before, we all feel that way, right? Right. But as Celine (yes, we're on a first name basis now! bahaha) sings: "Don't wanna be, all by myself, anymore" Choose to not be alone. If you open up to the idea that you are not alone, you'll begin to see how many of us are here for you, lady.



So what I want to challenge you with, babygirl, is to reach out. I never want you to feel like you have to come to me lol and I hope this whole post into too much, but I just wanted you to see how much you were cared about. You could reach out to one of your sisters, any of your blogging friends, your mom, your friends down there (not the mean kids!! grrrrr), Julie, not to mention God. However, I'm trying to help ya see that here on Earth in a physical sense, you are not alone.

Wake up in the morning and just listen to this song!! Put yourself in a good mood, who knows what the day will bring : )

Beautiful Day - U2

Put it in your head that today will be a good day. Force that idea and try to keep positive things in mind. It's not easy, Lord knows it's not easy. All you can do is try, right?? Think of things that make you smile! I know on a down day for me these are some things I like to think about:

- My most wonderful, amazing friends: YOU, Amber aka Tiny, Ariel aka the other Tiny ; ), Manda Panda, Casey who has no aka :P, Jess and Mum, my very favorite auntie, Cheryl
- Reading!!! A favorite pasttime of course ; )
- Watching movies/my favorite TV shows
- Baking, I love to bake
- My puppy dog and babyboy (the cat lol)
- Spending time with my Gramma
- Travelling

Just try and keep in sight the things you love! As far as people, if YOU love THEM chances are, they love you right back the same, hun. It's taken me awhile to understand this myself, but someday you just have to sit back and accept it or you're going to run them away, sadly. I don't want to scare you because we're not leaving you and we see your struggle, but it can happen with some people.

Ashley, my dear, dear friend. I never expected to meet you but there is never a day when I don't regret it. I do love you as a very good friend and like we've said before I feel like you're my lil sis : ) We've had some tough times, well helped each other through them lol. You've always been there for me and I would love to think that if I could be there even half as much as you have for me, I'd be doing well! LOL! You are an incredibly smart, talented, and mature young lady and I'm very, very, very proud of you. Through thick and thin you are able to keep your head about you and you never lose sight of God; that's impressive and very honorable. You are so kind, nice, the sweetest thing, girl. You're not just cutesy lol you're gorgeous! Beautiful, dahling! Yes, I still remember that conversation ; ) You are one of my best friends and I would do anything for you.

So with all that said, I'll sign off lol. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way and I'm so sorry if it does, I just want you to see that you're loved, Ashleygirl because you are.

So signing off for now, over and out!
Love you, Soulsistah!
(And one for the books, just for us, Ashley!)
Hey, Soul Sister - cute lil boy on the ukele LOL
Girl on a Mission

Gift from a Friend

Happy Friday to everyone!!! YAY! The weekend's finally here : )

A few posts back, a very dear friend to me left a poem in the comment section that I really wanted to post today. It just feels so appropriate. Thank you SO much, Mum, for leaving that for me ; )

Smiling is infectious

You catch it like the flu

When someone smiled at me today

I started smiling too

I walked around the corner

And someone saw me grin

When he smiled I realised

I had passed it on to him

I thought about the smile

And then realised its worth

A single smile like mine

Could travel round the earth

So if you feel a smile begin

Don't leave it undetected

Start an epidemic

And get the world infected.



Keep smiling and have a happy Friday!
Girl on a Mission

Finding ME Time

Hey! It's been a while, my bad sorry : ) I started back at school this week and things have been a little busy.

I wanted to mention that you need to have ME time. You need to try and do something each and every single day that is simply for you. It could be as simple as finding 10 minutes to read in your book,, watching your favorite songs on Youtube, painting your nails, anything! Lol...so each day find that time and enjoy it, let yourself relax and enjoy YOU being well...you : )

Today I found some ME time and honestly loved every single moment of it! You need to try it, all the cool kids are doing it ; ) LOL!

Happy moment of the day: There were a few today!! But I'm going to go with getting THE BEST voicemail from a dear, dear friend. I can't even tell you how much it meant to me : )

Positive about me: I'm a fighter. I'm not giving up. There may be incredibly lower than low days, being stuck in the darkest of corners, but as long as you don't give up that's okay. I feel as if I'm slowly climbing out of this hole and pray I don't end up back at the bottom : ) It will happen...it may be slow but it will be worth the wait! And I wish the same to anyone who may be reading these rambling posts. You are strong too!!



And here's the url if ya need it: Love is a Battlefield

Now go conquer your mountain and make today count!
Girl on a Mission

Find Your Escape

If you can't escape those bad feelings, find some way to escape. For me it's books and music. When I'm listening to my music, though, I like to find relatable songs to my mood usually. Here's one of my favorites, though if you listen to the words....it's depressing lol. I absolutely love singing Idina Menzel's part in this though, it brings such a calm over me. Enjoy.



Here's the url if you need it (this version you can see the song as filmed in the episode): I Dreamed a Dream

Girl on a Mission